Wednesday 27 February 2008

In conversation

“What’s with you and this word Sorry?”
“As in?”
“As in why is it so difficult for you to utter this word? You are always so stubborn type about this.”
“I have no issues in apologizing to anyone. But you convince me that I am at fault.”
“Can’t you say sorry just to make someone feel better.”
“If Im saying sorry without meaning it, how will that person feel better! Dat would be cheating him”
“What cheating yaar…u said something which pricked someone. You say sorry to end the matter and get done with it. That’s it! What is so complicated in that.”
“I am not bothered who does what. Maybe for them this word doesn’t mean anything. But it matters to me so when I say sorry to someone, I really mean it.”
“Funny. I have noticed you saying sorry when you bump into something on the way…at times it’s just a pillar or tree. But you say sorry even before realizing it’s an object.”
“That’s different. More of a habitual thing.”
“The way it sounds is that you can apologize to a mere stranger on the road, even an object but not to the ones who love you, who stand by all your whims? Their feelings and thoughts don’t matter?”
“Of course they do. But I am sure they will not be happy with me apologizing for the sake of saying it. They know me and I doubt if they expect it.”
“That’s kinda nasty you know. You slashed someone but if you don’t think you were at fault, you won’t apologize. Even if that person bleeds to death.”
“So you mean you haven’t apologized to anyone to make up?”
“I have. If someone is so adamant on hearing this, then I ask if they want me to say sorry without meaning it. I they say yes, then I say sorry. Though I have never seen them be happy about it.”
“There you go again. Why you have to make it so obvious? When you make it clear that you don’t mean it, obviously no one will be pleased with it.”
“So I am to say sorry without meaning it but it should look genuine?”
“Ummmm ya kinda. That’s what is expected”
“Funny how people fool themselves.”
“You know your problem? Your problem is that you turn everything in an ego issue.”
“Ya rite. Not apologizing to make things better is ego. But expecting someone to pretend as guilty without meaning it just to make yourself feel better is …..”
“That’s the world honey.”
*sigh*

This was a conversation I had with myself sometime back. Somehow it dint seem to conclude. Maybe coz none of us knew the conclusion. But I am not guilty for leaving it in between. And luckily, my self is someone I don’t have to pretend and say Sorry.

Monday 25 February 2008

Silence...

One phenomenon with varied dimensions and interpretations. It scares some n it calms others. To some it spells upcoming storm or doom; to others it’s the eternal peace beyond which nothing matters.
Silence at late hours of the night when half of the world is no longer conscious, when the roads are without those blaring horns, when your neighborhood doesn’t echo voices of mothers running after kids, grilling their maids and street vendors selling their items….At 1 AM, its just you and the eternal darkness with its silence so deep that you can even hear your own heartbeat!
That silence gives you eternal peace...at times like these you can just fly in your thoughts, your aspirations, you can think about those moments which made you happy…you soar high in your world leaving all your burdens worries and issues behind.
You know you have done something drastically bad, said terribly nasty and hurt the one you love the most…you cant take it back…u cannot undo it…but u feel bad for making them feel bad…you dread the encounter but somehow u know you have to face it, “They’ll scream at me. They’ll tell me how bad I am...its ok. They’ll take it all out. I deserve it.” So you tell yourself. But you don’t get any of it. Instead you get silence…nothing about how evil you have been, nothing about how u have hurt them and how thoughtless it was. Instead its, “How was your day? Let’s go out for dinner?” That silence kills…tortures like anything…when you don’t have the guts to bring it up by yourself.
The silence you get from a friend when you need them the most…when you don’t want to exchange any words, when you don’t want to tell what happened and how it happened, when its too raw for any sort of analysis of who was at fault and what went wrong...when you don’t even to say all if this…and you don’t need to. They just look at you and sit near you. No need to hold hand and give it that reassuring squeeze…just sit there and have the lengthiest and most meaningful conversation…that silence fills you up with contentment and pride of having such people to share your life with.
The social environment we live in these days produces such high volumes of decibel sound that we are no longer comfortable with silence…restaurants and lounges maintain a background of music…not always to relax you but to facilitate you to talk and be comfortable with the surroundings. If suddenly the music goes off, everyone starts looking here n there anxious by this sudden silence…which is alien to them. The sentences and words are dropped mid-way; no one has the courage to kill the silence.
You talking to someone and after saying something you go quiet.
“What happened? Why are suddenly so quiet?”
“Nothing happened”
“Are you thinking something?”
“Not really”
“Then why aren’t you saying anything?”
“Im not troubled or anything. I’m just quiet..dats it.”
And then there is Silence
But you know this silence is screaming…screaming that you are not understood. That you are just silent but the other person is busy thinking trying to unravel the mystery behind your silence. *sigh* There isn’t any.

Tuesday 19 February 2008

Horrors of covering that distance of 5 km

First the dhamaka news which im sure is dream for most of u: My house is just 5 kms away from my office! (yes yes yesss I can see you go green with envy..huaaaa haha hahahah haha) So the travelling time to office is like just 15 minutes…and oh wait…did I tell you that this 20 minutes INCLUDES the stoppage time at the traffic lights…*evil smile*
For the remaining pure souls who haven’t already closed down the browser window burning in envy (y else wud u give up on my blog huh!?!?), here comes the anti-climax…Its a real pain getting a means to cover this distance.
I did undertake those 15 day car driving courses and got my license as well but I cannot sit behind the steering wheel and maneuver the car safe n sound from one position to another…So the bottom line is that I cant drive and my license serves the sole purpose of my address verification.
That brings me to public transport system
Ah well…thanx to our media, by now every single person in every nick n corner of the country knows what kinda adventure ride it is to travel by the Blueline buses of Delhi…Add to it the office hours and u have the ultimate stunt of going to office hanging out of a crowded bus like a ripe bunch of grapes. So this is completely outta question.
Autorickshaw: Im sure I have mentioned randomly in my earlier posts as well…my office though only a few kms away, falls in the state of Uttar Pradesh. And with some crappy transport law, autorickshaws of one state cant operate in another unless they tk sm sorta pass…so every morning its an exercise of 30 mins of HUNTING FOR AN AUTO n den 15 mins of ride…ofcourse the auto walah in full understanding of his monopoly and your dire need will charge u a bomb but then its either that or reach late *sigh*. Ofcourse there is perennial trouble of chutta or change. He wont be carrying even a tenner with him so its completely upto you to pay him and and get the remaining amount back unless you are feeling rich n generous enuff to say keep the change.
Few days back I found an alternative to this issue as well (u can always trust me to find solutions to problems *smug*)…d gud ol pedal rickshaw. No transport laws governing them and if given an incentive of extra 5 rupees, takes 20-25 mins to cover the distance…but the problem is that it can get quiet scary at times. A road with automobiles running at speed of nthng less den 60 kmph n if anything less den honking lk mad…picture a humble innocent peddle rickshaw trapped between a blueline on left side and another bus on right. Behind you are 3-4 cars and all the other nick-n-corners r sealed by bikers…n when the traffic light goes green, u can imagine the rush n everyone’s irritation and cant-we-walk-over-it feeling is so thick, its almost tangible! L
*sigh* all this for a mere 5 kms. Im thinking of either start walking that distance (ok im kidding! ) or buy a car…(hey im not kidding abt dis one). Lets see how this works out. Meanwhile I gotta decide how im gonna get back home today..hope I find an auto.

Friday 15 February 2008

5 minutes before the fall…

Standing on the edge of a cliff with her arms spread like an eagle’s wings. This is the end…nowhere to go. But do I really want to go anywhere…what am I doing here standing lk dis? Am I going to fly or am I gonna die?
Soft wind is blowing making her swoon… She realizes that she is not able to stand still…and neither is her mind…Its wen u r at places like these that u realize how much of support we take from our surroundings while standing on our 2 legs…its wen u r standing with absolutely nothing around you except big vast expanse of sky which is no longer up above you but seems to be coming down to engulf you..its at these times you suddenly miss the surrounding that you were so used to.
“Its almost time” She thinks and closes her eyes…
“Dint someone say that your whole life flashes before you at moments like this?” She thinks of things gone by, people she left, people who left her and ofcourse those whom she wanted to be with but who were just never there.
The countdown begins…
5…
She raises her arms
4…
She closes her eyes
3…
She takes a deep breath
2…
She realizes that she is smiling
1…
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooo
She falls…
That was her experience with Bungee jumping :P

Friday 1 February 2008

Long time, no post!

I know I know…its been too long since my last post n der hvnt been many updates n all dat jazz…
There can be numerous reasons for this like…
I hvnt been online all this while
OR
Bloggers block
OR
My fingers froze in this chilly cold weather n I just cudnt type
OR
was oh-so-very-busy
OR
I wrote something really nice few weeks back but the moment I was about to press Publish, my system crashed!
OR
Poor innocent me was threatened to stop writing such random n pathetically poor stuff…I was told dat nobody wants to know the details of my life…I got scared L
OR
People took away my keyboard due to constant noise I made
OR
Someone I want to bitch about reads my blog regularly and I can’t cum up with a suitable code name
OR
Had temporary amnesia and forgot my username and password.
OR
Everything is so nice n kewl n good around me. I just cant find anything to bitch or crib about!
OR
I had an idea but was too lazy to type so was waiting for blogspot to cum up wid a n audio blog
OR
Blog? Im sorry wat r u talkin abt?
OR
I have given up writing
OR
Why the hell should I tell YOU what I think huh!?!
OR

*sigh* dats it I guess. Cant think much…cmon I wud have written a proper post had I been able to think ok (YA it DOES require thinking smarthead :P)
Honestly, I have simply been too cold n lazy to actually put my fingers exposed to the biting cold air and punch the keys. Have to so it in office coz I just cant help it.
Will be back when the weather is more fit for human survival…till then, take care n byeee!